Are your evaluations effective or offensive? Do you vacillate between flattery and criticism? Is what you say based on what’s happening now or what’s happened to you? Self-esteem is your story of how it feels to be you. Your story is enriched and strengthened when you choose to listen openly to others as well as yourself. You can enhance your self-esteem by listening to the story you are telling yourself, being quiet when you are listening to others, and speaking from the sweet spot between flattery and criticism.
Have you ever received flattery from a friend or criticism from a colleague which felt like it was more about them than it was about you? Perhaps you have offered some feedback which created feedback and wondered why. When you offer your opinion without really listening, your judgments are based on your presumptions. These assumptions are reflections of your self-esteem. Insincere flattery flows freely when you are critical of yourself. Critical comments come from flattering yourself a bit too freely. False pride and self-deprecation cause you to be tone deaf to your listeners. Your current experience of self-esteem is a mixture of internal criticism and flattery. Image how this experience could change if you showed the devils and the angels on your shoulders how to cherish the sweetness of silence.
It is hard to listen when you are talking. Of course, you are polite and always wait for your turn to speak. But are you really silent or are you talking to yourself; are you judging what’s being said, preparing your response, or on a complete mental vacation. When you hear “What was that you said again?” you can be sure your listener has just returned from a little vacation. How do you feel when you notice someone isn’t listening to you? You can be sure it feels similar to when you aren’t listening to them. Quieting your internal voice(s) gives you access to a soulful silence which allows you to listen to the whole person. Your deepest need is to be heard because it validates your self-worth by letting you know you are not alone. Even when you are really alone you can give yourself the gift of listening.
The voice of your best self maybe subtle and easy to ignore but it is never mistaken. Only through listening to what you are saying to yourself can you decide what is true and useful. Telling yourself you don’t know what to do is quite different than saying I am about to learn something new. The latter opens you up to learning the former keeps you from knowing. Neither expression changes the fact of your ignorance it just alters your perspective which changes how you perceive your experience. Your collection of personal perspectives is how you see yourself. Once you start thinking about what you are thinking you can transform your role in the story. Make no mistake, improving the story inside you strengthens your self-esteem.
You cannot change the facts of your history; however, you can choose the story which makes the facts meaningful. Healthy self esteem comes down realizing you have the freedom and responsibility to choose. When you don’t listen to yourself then it is doubtful you will choose to listen to others. How doubtful depends on the degree of your self-esteem you have or have not developed. The result of listening quietly to your own story without flattering or criticizing yourself is that you can listen to others from the sweet spot of your soul. The effectiveness of your evaluations is a reflection of your self-esteem. What you deem esteemable in others comes directly from the esteem you find, design and hold for yourself.