Whoever denies that he possesses vanity, generally, possesses it in so brutal a form that he instinctively shuts his eyes in its presence, so as not to have to look down upon himself.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Do you think it is an act of vanity to speak in public? Do you strive to hide parts of yourself in hopes of getting others to admire you? Wanting others to believe you are better than you are, when you don’t believe it yourself, lies at the heart of your vanity. When you try to impress your listeners, you end up impressing upon them your need for them to be impressed. Striving to hide who you are, how you feel and what you really want to say, is a vain attempt to communicate.
You have something to say that is worth saying well. Whether it is offering your name, encouraging a friend or discussing your decisions, how you say it determines the effect. If you include your educational degrees and professional titles as well as allusions to an exclusive neighborhood when introducing yourself, are you simply informing or attempting to impress, or even intimidate? Do you encourage your friends to share their troubles, and immediately try to tell them how much worse yours are? Do discussions of your decisions begin and end with you defending them? Finding it hard to talk openly about your decisions suggests a bit more pride in your judgments than the possibilities of learning to improve them. Troubles shared are troubles lessened; however, if you turn the discussion into a competition of tragedies you are exercising your vanity at your friends’ expense. Titles and degrees are the result of worthwhile work which is admirable, but it is an imposition when you use your position to establish your self-worth.
When you don’t feel worthy, vanity is the psychological band-aid of choice. Realize what you say, more often than not, says a lot about you. Your casual comments, as well as your thoughtful considerations, let people know how you feel about what you experience and what you think about. Whether conscious or not, you communicate emotionally. When your emotional message is “please like me” as opposed to “I like you”, your listeners sense your neediness for respect not your readiness to connect. Your feeling should be as obvious to you as they are to others. How many times have you heard a tense and terse “Fine” in reply to “How are you today?” It is not fine to deny your feelings, and even worse to be oblivious to them. On the other hand, it is childish to treat each conversation as a chance for catharsis. Emotional maturity is a nuanced blend of self awareness and appropriate expression. Refine this skill and you can connect at will. Tearing the bandages off your weaknesses can be painful, but wait until you see what has been hiding underneath.
Vanity is a vice because it hides our best self. Speaking in front of your peers is uncomfortable because you are exposing yourself. It is natural and necessary to feel safe. Taking comfort in your strengths and accommodating your weakness makes senses and enhances communication. When you take too much pride in your strengths and disown your weakness it appears to feel better inside but fails on the outside. Calling out your strengths screams vanity, while denying any of your flaws, shouts inanity. Let your best self speak, flaws and all. Your listeners will pay attention to what you are saying, and how you say it, instead of wondering why you are trying to hide something that everyone can plainly see.
When you acknowledge your vanity, you give yourself the opportunity to improve. Through a combination of reluctant accommodation, loving acceptance, and emotional integration, this vice can become a virtue. When you no longer invest energy in projecting perfection and denying your imperfections you can open your eyes, see yourself and look up to your audience. Where your vanity once shouted, “Here I am” your humility will simply say, “There you are.”