If you don’t have anything nice to say, then it is best to not say anything at all.  Really?  Your differing opinion may be the difference that makes a difference.  There are a multitude of social ills that exist and persist simply because too many of us are meek mouthed.  Screaming at people and emotionalizing every thing you disagree with is the surest way to develop a disagreeable reputation and diminish your influence. Learning how to present what you resent intelligently makes your disagreements agreeable.  Have the courage to summon your indignation, distill your discontent and unleash your fiercest anger, so the heat in your heart can become the wrath that warms your world.

Raw anger is ugly and scary.  Perhaps you have seen someone lose it.  The point of their complaint became pointless once they became consumed by their own anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning it arises out of  how you interpret  your feelings . Whether  you are conscious of it or not, you have a set of rules which determine how you feel.  When something happens that violates those rules, thus making you uncomfortable, you respond with some degree of anger.  From simple annoyance to rage, your anger is an attempt to assert control and regain your comfort.  When someone cuts you off on the highway, how do you respond?  With a friendly wave?  Indifference?  Or a wrathful  wringing of the steering wheel while imagining it is the neck of the reckless driver?  The maniac has speed off while your fierce admonishments are added to you and your passengers fears.   Refined anger is real and clear, not ugly and scary.  Aristotle’s eloquent explanation says it best:

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

The space between stimulus and response is your greatest growing edge.  Your ability to choose how to respond to what is happening is critical to refined communication.  Thinking things through is not easy and the goal is not to repress your emotions.  The point is to hone your response, so what comes from you does not overcome you.  In Julius Cesar’s eulogy, Shakespeare wove Mark Anthony’s wrath in to the refrain “And Brutus is an honourable man….”  An  unrefined actor who utters these lines sarcastically dishonors them. When spoken with a heart filled with equal parts of love for the life of Julius and indignation at his death, the audience finds and feels the ensuing wrath of the mourners.  You may not aspire to bring Shakespeare to life, but your emotional life is worth refining, so what you say  is  a distinct and direct distillation of what you feel. Informed indignation is interesting and inspiring.

Have you ever been filled with rational indignation?  Did you speak up or just shut up?  Was your silence because of your inability to convert your emotion in to reason?  As Aristotle reminds us, it is easy to get angry, and challenging to make our anger serve a proper purpose.   You are capable or rationalizing anything and are undoubtedly amazed by what others can justify.   A simple rule for refining your indignation is how many people are also bothered by what bothers you?  If you are the only one, then adaptation is preferable to indignation.  However, if  a majority of your family, friends or colleagues share your level of discontent, indignation is indispensable. It is bad form to condemn a person since it is their behavior not their  presence which is troubling. The key to communicating your grievance is making it real to the people that can help you do something about it.   You need to think through how they feel and guide them to experience the feeling you have.  Presentations that begin by showing that you can see the world through your audience’s eyes give you the opportunity to invite them to see the world through your eyes.

Calibrating your degree of anger, as well as how pervasive the concern, is a necessary prerequisite before giving voice to your discontent.  When you refine your anger, distill your discontent and engage in rational indignation, you can be assured that your wrath is worthy of you.  You may not have something nice to say, but learning how to say it reasonably will protect you from attracting the wrath of others.